hmm, not loving life so much..

and not ranting quite so much either. Taken a while to get back to blogging. Life has been very unsettled in the last year or so. Have never needed to go back to the misery blog, I have not quite sunk back to that level, though there have been times. Some bad things happened in the last year, some shocking and some deeply sad. I think that is part of getting older. Bad and sad things get much closer to you. That is if you have been spared much sorrow in your youth, as some aren't. Apart from those things, it has been stressful and scary at times, and incredibly lonely at times. That isn't new, but ongoing loneliness, lack of love and touch and intimacy, the deep ache and longing for anyone to be in your life and notice you, that can really eat away at you and sometimes it just feels to me, like it is killing me inside. I have heard some stories of people just fading away, some dying slowly out of longing and pining, lack of love. I am not pining for anyone. Rather I just think, I want so much to give to someone, but of course they need to want it to. They want me to love them. And there has been noone who wants that from me.
So far.
Not given up yet.
Determined to get back into a good mental state, to get fit again, to love life again and not give in and get depressed. I have set myself some goals and I am working towards them. All I can do is keep focusing on the positive and not the negatives, of which there are many.
I will not lose faith in the arms of love.

February

Has been a long month. Although it is technically short. I have felt ill most of it. I feel exhausted. Just trying to live is exhausting. The thought of composing an email to my dearest friends, is exhausting. Some of my closest friends are going through a very dark time. It is heartbreaking. Living in London is totally exhausting. I am angry at people, almost all the time. I don't want to be around anyone.
My emotions are all over the place. I've been very up and down recently. Lots of tears when hormones are not an excuse. Mad at myself I think more than anything. The constant sense of being alone is so destroying. I don't have enough friends around me. I don't have a special person. I am not special to anyone. And no, friends and family don't count. I feel untouchable and unlovable and I don't know how to change it. I haven't had a normal relationship in over 15 years. A regular normal everyday, what happens all around me, kind of style relationship. It must be me.
I do feel quite trapped and stuck in so many areas of my life, and most of them are my own fault. My own stupid impulsive choices. I need to grow up. I am not going to accept this situation and let go. I am going to fight. Because it is hard to find reasons to live other wise. Which sounds dramatic, and it's not because I feel like ending it all, because I don't, but because there is often no reason to get up in the morning. Especially at weekends.
So, trying not to be dramatic and overly despondent and think of others less fortunate than myself, I will kick myself, go through this and keep on going. Because things can change. And that I truly believe.

Review of 2010

Well, I didn't write much last year. Nothing since Feb 2010, so a lot to catch up on. I moved flats, to a more modern, shiny flat, which was clean and didn't have slugs, mice or kitchen sink floods. But it is expensive and I didn't and don't feel at home. But I can walk to work if I want to, it's near the canal and the park and overlooks a park and trees, so it has it's benefits.

The man I was seeing and who I was very worried about at the start of last year, stayed ill and I didn't see him again until July when he was feeling a bit better, but as the the year ended and this new one began, he had become quite ill again. We did not continue our relationship but maintain contact. I hope for his sake this year will be a better one than the year before.

I lost my good friends and work colleagues at work as two of them left, but work has settled down a bit and is a bit less stressful and there are days when I enjoy it.

I was seeing someone else for a while in the spring and early summer but that fizzled out and despite having previously been friends, his treatment of me since then has been so rude and hurtful for no good reason, just very bad behaviour on his part, that we have totally lost the friendship. So I started the internet dating again and have been on a few dates and met some okay people, but nothing very exciting. I just keep making myself get out there in the hope that one day I will actually meet someone who will fall for me and likewise.

The loneliness of being single in London with not many friends as they all have coupled up and moved away, has been the hardest thing to deal with in this last year. I am very tired of being single, and not being loved. I am very tired of being alone at weekends unless I go to visit my couple friends. I have increasingly had to fight against being very down and feeling like a leper, like I am unlovable and keep wondering how on earth I am every going to meet someone or how on earth I am every going to be able to be in a relationship again. It still feels impossible in many ways.

I was getting fitter in the summer, but as the summer passed, I have let all that slide and have put on weight to the point that I am very unhappy with myself in the way I look. My cellulite is shockingly bad. However, despite that, I finished level 3 perfomers burlesque and the girls I did the classes with all got together to do our own show so I finally did my first burlesque performance a month ago, and it was fantastic. Loved doing it, in fact loved everything about it. Despite feeling like a blob, I still enjoyed being the performer.

So, as this last year has passed I guess I am feeling quite down and the biggest issue for me is how to keep my confidence up as simultaneously I age and lose my looks and am afraid to date in case I am rejected for my body and looks.

I sadly need to move again as I am not happy in this place, I am not at home. But all in all, it was not a bad year. I had some good moments, and some fun and some lovely times, visiting my friends and appreciating them and my family are doing well.
So goodbye 2010, you were okay. Hope 2011 is much better.
x

Grey

It's hard to maintain positivity at the moment. Lots of things are not good. Constantly reminding myself that it all could be worse is not helping. I have recently been so down that I considered starting up the misery blog again, but that would be a step back. It's important to keep moving forward, even if it is very slow.
Loneliness is the big problem. It feels like a slow creeping deep freeze. Kind of like those cold misty days that you don't notice at first but gradually starts to pervade your skin and bones until you are numb.
I have been feeling little more than sadness, the ache of loss and then just, numb, in the last month. The retreat of my new friend and lover into his own problematic world and issues has kicked me a bit. The feeling that I have been alone for far too long in the last ten years, is really bringing me down. I feel starved of love and affection, dramatic as it sounds, on a deep level.
I feel myself shrivelling up inside and unable to motivate myself to enjoy anything. To the point that I find no enjoyment in the things I love, can't even be bothered to watch a film. That is not like me.
So I need to keep positive and look forward to when things will change for the better. Because at least I have learnt that, things will change.

2010 The year of purpose and good choices.

It’s hard to believe this last year has gone by so quickly. Of course we all say that. At the end of last year I was recalling the changes in my life and what a positive year it had been. 2009 was the year of more changes but also of beginning to consolidate a few things. Except that in many ways, it was year of upheaval and movement and adjusting. I could do with a year of less change to be honest.

I have at least only moved flat twice and finding somewhere to live where I am slightly more at peace is still top of my priority. Having given up the dream of buying somewhere in London, I know want to find somewhere to rent that I can look forward to going home to at night. Still need money for a deposit so that is something to work on.

The new job turned out to be more stressful than I thought possible. I have managed to change my attitude to it a bit. I have stopped pouring my heart and soul into it as I realise that my leaders are not exactly doing that either. The job is now a job, not a cause. Sadly though, I need it to be a cause for me to give it my best. I need to believe in it and I need to believe in the leadership, and at the moment, I don’t. However, I have met some lovely people and made good friends and have enjoyed many moments there, it is not all bad.

I have had a year of dating. It has been interesting. It is a whole different ball game to the life I lived before. I have met some quite nice people and some not so nice. I have had adventures and experiences. It has been enriching. I haven’t met the love of my life. But that’s okay. I have recently met someone I like a great deal but I can’t see the future of it yet. I am aware that I am keeping my heart protected as the fear of getting hurt is still strong. I have to look after myself first now. I am optimistic that I will find someone to share what is left of my life with, because after all, no one wants to die alone.

I am almost daily aware of the gradual loss of my fertility. In the last year there were 4 family weddings. Children everywhere. It was a time of celebration but there were moments I found it incredibly difficult. Christmas was the culmination of that with all the family and all the babies around, and the usual emotional outbursts taking place. It is hard to be the oldest one and to be single and childless. Even spending time with my wonderful friends, it is hard to be the one who is least settled, least sorted, in many ways.

Physically, I have not had the best year, feeling very tired and run down. I have started having outbreaks of psoriasis, my period pain is much worse, had more colds and flu’s than ever before and generally felt quite under the weather for much of the year physically. I have not been great at going to the gym and have put on weight, which bothers me. I have had lots of infections and been on several courses of antibiotics. I start the year going for breast screening, as the pain in my left breast is quite bad and it is sore and swollen most of the time. I am sure it is glandular and not anything cancerous but it has to be checked anyway. But I am aware that I am pre-menopausal and am experiencing hormonal changes, and that is quite tough as it all goes back to the fertility issue again.

I guess the aging process is a difficult one, but with it comes understanding of what is important in life. This year I am going to not make resolutions as such, but I am going to aim to move, to get fit and look after myself and to take a holiday. A proper resting holiday. And to learn to tango.

My friends are wonderful, I am grateful to them all, and I hope they have excellent years. I hope we all have a year that draws us closer together and for my part, helps me appreciate what is important in life and what is worth living for.

So bring on 2010. And remember to make good choices.

Year of weddings..

Since last August when my sister got married, two cousins got married and two brothers, finally culminating in this last picture perfect wedding in a lovely setting. It has been an exhausting year for me so far, the move and the job and just living has been tiring and I definitely don't feel I have lived life to the fullest so much this year, even though that was my intention. It has been good so far and with a few months to go, has had many more highs than lows and there has been a lot to celebrate and enjoy. I think that the year of being 40 has been all about change, and I guess that in itself can be exhausting. I think a year of stability would be good....but I think that will only happen when I get my own place. Having a home. That is the outstanding problem. I do not feel at home where I am, it is temporary living and I am not happy here. I need to be somewhere clean. It doesn't matter how often I clean, the air here is always full of dust and particles, the carpets are old and just not ever clean, even though they've been steam cleaned. I feel like my skin in crawling all the time. Until I move somewhere that I can finally rest in, I guess I will not really relax and rest properly.
Would be nice to have an outside area...but I guess in London, it's asking a bit much. A balcony would be great....
Other than the home situation, I still love living here and have the odd moment of happines and joy. No love though. Dates and met some nice people, but I have not fallen in love. Yet. That is to come.

is blogging egotistical?

Got to say that I don't know why I do it cos I hope noone reads it! Girls, if you reading, it's probably for you all....anyways, London life is going well....loving my shoes as usual, but not been out dancing for soooooo long. It's like no-one goes dancing anymore, at least no-one I know. And I NEED to!
Work is full on and pretty exhausting, flat is bearable. Unpacked my books at last and stroked them lovingly, then went out and bought a whole lot more...second hand of course. Currently reading 3 at once and can't decide what to focus on. Keep meaning to take my camera out and take some pics of London, but don't want to look like the rest of the pretentious types who do that around here! hah! But I am gonna do it. Trying to keep fit, but its struggle, need to work on the running. Long summer of work ahead and not alot of people around so that's going to be interesting. Might get to the cinema more. But, really, life is good.