Review of 2010

Well, I didn't write much last year. Nothing since Feb 2010, so a lot to catch up on. I moved flats, to a more modern, shiny flat, which was clean and didn't have slugs, mice or kitchen sink floods. But it is expensive and I didn't and don't feel at home. But I can walk to work if I want to, it's near the canal and the park and overlooks a park and trees, so it has it's benefits.

The man I was seeing and who I was very worried about at the start of last year, stayed ill and I didn't see him again until July when he was feeling a bit better, but as the the year ended and this new one began, he had become quite ill again. We did not continue our relationship but maintain contact. I hope for his sake this year will be a better one than the year before.

I lost my good friends and work colleagues at work as two of them left, but work has settled down a bit and is a bit less stressful and there are days when I enjoy it.

I was seeing someone else for a while in the spring and early summer but that fizzled out and despite having previously been friends, his treatment of me since then has been so rude and hurtful for no good reason, just very bad behaviour on his part, that we have totally lost the friendship. So I started the internet dating again and have been on a few dates and met some okay people, but nothing very exciting. I just keep making myself get out there in the hope that one day I will actually meet someone who will fall for me and likewise.

The loneliness of being single in London with not many friends as they all have coupled up and moved away, has been the hardest thing to deal with in this last year. I am very tired of being single, and not being loved. I am very tired of being alone at weekends unless I go to visit my couple friends. I have increasingly had to fight against being very down and feeling like a leper, like I am unlovable and keep wondering how on earth I am every going to meet someone or how on earth I am every going to be able to be in a relationship again. It still feels impossible in many ways.

I was getting fitter in the summer, but as the summer passed, I have let all that slide and have put on weight to the point that I am very unhappy with myself in the way I look. My cellulite is shockingly bad. However, despite that, I finished level 3 perfomers burlesque and the girls I did the classes with all got together to do our own show so I finally did my first burlesque performance a month ago, and it was fantastic. Loved doing it, in fact loved everything about it. Despite feeling like a blob, I still enjoyed being the performer.

So, as this last year has passed I guess I am feeling quite down and the biggest issue for me is how to keep my confidence up as simultaneously I age and lose my looks and am afraid to date in case I am rejected for my body and looks.

I sadly need to move again as I am not happy in this place, I am not at home. But all in all, it was not a bad year. I had some good moments, and some fun and some lovely times, visiting my friends and appreciating them and my family are doing well.
So goodbye 2010, you were okay. Hope 2011 is much better.
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