and not ranting quite so much either. Taken a while to get back to blogging. Life has been very unsettled in the last year or so. Have never needed to go back to the misery blog, I have not quite sunk back to that level, though there have been times. Some bad things happened in the last year, some shocking and some deeply sad. I think that is part of getting older. Bad and sad things get much closer to you. That is if you have been spared much sorrow in your youth, as some aren't. Apart from those things, it has been stressful and scary at times, and incredibly lonely at times. That isn't new, but ongoing loneliness, lack of love and touch and intimacy, the deep ache and longing for anyone to be in your life and notice you, that can really eat away at you and sometimes it just feels to me, like it is killing me inside. I have heard some stories of people just fading away, some dying slowly out of longing and pining, lack of love. I am not pining for anyone. Rather I just think, I want so much to give to someone, but of course they need to want it to. They want me to love them. And there has been noone who wants that from me.
So far.
Not given up yet.
Determined to get back into a good mental state, to get fit again, to love life again and not give in and get depressed. I have set myself some goals and I am working towards them. All I can do is keep focusing on the positive and not the negatives, of which there are many.
I will not lose faith in the arms of love.
Has been a long month. Although it is technically short. I have felt ill most of it. I feel exhausted. Just trying to live is exhausting. The thought of composing an email to my dearest friends, is exhausting. Some of my closest friends are going through a very dark time. It is heartbreaking. Living in London is totally exhausting. I am angry at people, almost all the time. I don't want to be around anyone.
My emotions are all over the place. I've been very up and down recently. Lots of tears when hormones are not an excuse. Mad at myself I think more than anything. The constant sense of being alone is so destroying. I don't have enough friends around me. I don't have a special person. I am not special to anyone. And no, friends and family don't count. I feel untouchable and unlovable and I don't know how to change it. I haven't had a normal relationship in over 15 years. A regular normal everyday, what happens all around me, kind of style relationship. It must be me.
I do feel quite trapped and stuck in so many areas of my life, and most of them are my own fault. My own stupid impulsive choices. I need to grow up. I am not going to accept this situation and let go. I am going to fight. Because it is hard to find reasons to live other wise. Which sounds dramatic, and it's not because I feel like ending it all, because I don't, but because there is often no reason to get up in the morning. Especially at weekends.
So, trying not to be dramatic and overly despondent and think of others less fortunate than myself, I will kick myself, go through this and keep on going. Because things can change. And that I truly believe.
Well, I didn't write much last year. Nothing since Feb 2010, so a lot to catch up on. I moved flats, to a more modern, shiny flat, which was clean and didn't have slugs, mice or kitchen sink floods. But it is expensive and I didn't and don't feel at home. But I can walk to work if I want to, it's near the canal and the park and overlooks a park and trees, so it has it's benefits.
The man I was seeing and who I was very worried about at the start of last year, stayed ill and I didn't see him again until July when he was feeling a bit better, but as the the year ended and this new one began, he had become quite ill again. We did not continue our relationship but maintain contact. I hope for his sake this year will be a better one than the year before.
I lost my good friends and work colleagues at work as two of them left, but work has settled down a bit and is a bit less stressful and there are days when I enjoy it.
I was seeing someone else for a while in the spring and early summer but that fizzled out and despite having previously been friends, his treatment of me since then has been so rude and hurtful for no good reason, just very bad behaviour on his part, that we have totally lost the friendship. So I started the internet dating again and have been on a few dates and met some okay people, but nothing very exciting. I just keep making myself get out there in the hope that one day I will actually meet someone who will fall for me and likewise.
The loneliness of being single in London with not many friends as they all have coupled up and moved away, has been the hardest thing to deal with in this last year. I am very tired of being single, and not being loved. I am very tired of being alone at weekends unless I go to visit my couple friends. I have increasingly had to fight against being very down and feeling like a leper, like I am unlovable and keep wondering how on earth I am every going to meet someone or how on earth I am every going to be able to be in a relationship again. It still feels impossible in many ways.
I was getting fitter in the summer, but as the summer passed, I have let all that slide and have put on weight to the point that I am very unhappy with myself in the way I look. My cellulite is shockingly bad. However, despite that, I finished level 3 perfomers burlesque and the girls I did the classes with all got together to do our own show so I finally did my first burlesque performance a month ago, and it was fantastic. Loved doing it, in fact loved everything about it. Despite feeling like a blob, I still enjoyed being the performer.
So, as this last year has passed I guess I am feeling quite down and the biggest issue for me is how to keep my confidence up as simultaneously I age and lose my looks and am afraid to date in case I am rejected for my body and looks.
I sadly need to move again as I am not happy in this place, I am not at home. But all in all, it was not a bad year. I had some good moments, and some fun and some lovely times, visiting my friends and appreciating them and my family are doing well.
So goodbye 2010, you were okay. Hope 2011 is much better.
x
