These are my boots. I love them. But I am slightly embarrassed to wear them in public, because they do draw attention. Last time I was out in them and wearing my green dress, and looking fine, I got a lot of attention. It was fun. But I am still nervous about them. They are actually hard to walk in.
Life is amazing. It's great. I am loving it. I don't know why but I am definitely getting alot of attention right now, mainly from msf. But it has certainly had an impact on my life. The feeling of attracting people who think you are hot, it is so confidence boosting. You feel the power of it. And it does'nt matter if you have no make up on and your hair is not done and you maybe look scruffy. Cos you know, you can look hot, and lots of people think so, and are attracted to your brains as well as your look.
Guess this is all just reaction from the past. I know it won't last. I know that I am getting older. But I know there is someone out there for me. And I just really want to be loved, ultimately, no matter how much I am enjoying the dating and playing right now. Ultimately we all just want to be loved....

lovin' life

It's amazing to me how time can heal. When you're in the midst of the pain and crap, it feels like it will never end. Then one day, you realise, it's over. It is so over. It is fantastic. And maybe, if you are lucky, you get a new appreciation for life, that sets you off on new paths and somehow motivates you in ways you have wanted before but not been able to achieve. I cannot believe how much energy I have right now. I am loving this season of life I am in. It has to do with letting go of alot, alot of dreams, that I thought were what I wanted, then I discovered actually were not necesarilly really about me. It is all so freeing. I am almost vibrating with life! hahah! Sounds so cheesy, but it is true. I am just loving each day (thanks Ronan!!Hahaha) and feeling like everything is possible and is an adventure. I have so moved on from a year ago, so enjoying being me, though of course with a constant kick up the arse, sure I need it more than most, but so almost happy! Wow! How amazing is that.
Well, looking forward to lots of stuff and getting a new job and moving and lots of stuff....can;t wait...
xx

Months of rain,,,,

Been a summer of clouds and rain. Some good times, some crap times. Thought I had kind of talked myself into sorting some stuff out, like where to live...til I came back to London and fell in love with it all over again. Spent my first weekend down at the Southbank and BFI and Hoxton Hotel and had a blast...doesn't help a thing of course...but had fun. Am definitely enjoying life a lot more. Thinking back to a year ago this time I have come a long way. Had a great night out the other night and a great date, and that all helps. Trying to figure out how to get all the stuff in my head out of my head and onto paper. Read The Gum Thief, and still love Coupland, no matter what the critics say. Music is going well...lots of stuff moving me, and finally got the new lens for my camera so looking forward to using that. Also thinking of the big celebrations coming up and looking forward to having a blast and finally getting to dance...can't wait.

travel and summertime

Since I last posted, all I've done is travel and move around. I am so exhausted by it. But it was all good. Days are long and a bit bright, too much sun for my eyes, so lots of headaches. Been up to Scotland, Lake District, Cologne, Dorset and back. Work is in crisis so full on days, evenings and weekends. Did Race for Life 5k today, was good but hot and humid and hard work. Went on my own, definitely is not so much fun. No one there to give you a hand. Meant I had to run with a small bag on my back aswell, which was a bummer. Kept getting flashbacks to the first time I went. Need to post the memories of that on the misery blog though, not so cheerful.
Did the race in 35 mins which was a bit slow, would have liked to have done under 30, next time will do.
Music, music, music! Yeehah, been loving lots of newish things and feeling good music vibes. Watching a lot of Glastonbury, which for the first time I would say has made me wish I could have gone. This year there are so many acts I would have loved to have seen, and it hasn't rained that much. Of course, Glasto always reminds me of the ex, and the associations of his involvement with it and how it affected me/us are not too happy, so more on the misery blog for that one.
Lots of things coming up, life is full on and hectic right now, feels like it has been for the last month and is increasingly becoming so. Keep having fantasies about a week on my own in a wee villa up the side of a mountain in Spain or Italy, just chilling out. Know I'd get bored really quickly though! Bit frustrated about life as usual, few things doing my head in, but in general, things are good. Got lots of thinking to do and no time to do it. Need to get my act together. But life is good.
Electric Feel.

the happy blog

Of course the problem with the happy blog is I notice I don't write in it too much!! Was on a bit of high after doing the triathlon, it was an great experience, despite my 20 mins of cursing my friend who made me ride his fast racing bike because he knew it would make me faster. It was painful. Pain. But soon got over my inhibitions, standing in a field of people, mostly over 40 and over 50, in my swimsuit, and not really minding. The local triathletes sadly didn't have the body of greek gods, but that certainly helped me feel at home. The swim was great, the ride was painful, and okay once I got over crashing to a heap at the end having breaked too hard, and the run was very slow but short and once it was all over I felt absolutely fine, could def do it again and do it faster.
It was such a hot day, too much sun, and not enough sleep and rest made for migraine heaven, so spent alot of the next few days in bed recovering, but now thinking about getting back into it all.
Despite feeling quite up and down recently, had a fabulous morning in London on saturday, seeing the Gregory Crewdson exhibition at the White Cube off Duke Str. It was so amazing, so fantastic. Love to be able to do stuff like that.
Then had a fabulous half hour or so in Fortnum and Mason's, which I had never been to before, was a bit of foodie heaven, very happy for a wee while.
So some good moments. But quite down for last few days and feeling need to revert to misery blog for now.

tired

I am very tired, and not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to a mini triathlon having just discovered my start time is 7.50 on sunday morning, a time when I am usually in deep sleep! Not only is this just a start time but it means I have to be there at latest by 7,15 to set up. Now most people who know me will know that I am not a morning person. But those who know me best will know that it would take something fairly special to get me out of bed that early on a sunday morning, but that special thing would definitely not involve excercise!!! Much as I feel better after a swim, bike, run, I can't honestly say that I would rather do that than grab some wine and watch a film or "the wire". Never.
But I am doing it. Been out on the bike tonight. Aiming for a good race time, i,e,not to be last!! Also all this exercise does have a goal, and it is a hard body, but not the a hard body as from American Psycho, just a hard body for a nearly 40 year old, in attempt to hold back the aging clock.
Things on my mind: Why oh why oh why do people of all ages, including what looks like mothers of young children, in their damned stupid 4x4's drive down residential built up streets festooned with houses, shops and children, at a fast rate of knots, as if they were on the motorway? Riding my bike tonight I had to get out of the way as several cars fitting the above description bombed it down the road. Really upsets me. Its just so selfish and inconsiderate.
Silver lining, Rilo Kiley, song of moment for me, got it stuck on my mind as I try to drown out the beautiful but painfully sorrowful tunes of Dallas Green and City and Colour.
Questions? How to keep going on? How to avoid being miserable and not go back to writing in my other miserable blog?
Californication is being repeated on Five, yippee. Still won't get to see it though.
Got to get up early. Wish I could get my head clear. Hope life changes in some way soon.

May Bank Holiday London

So I guess I am leaving the old blog of misery behind and starting this new blog by expressing my joy about living in London, well, actually on the outskirts but close enough to get in by tube. It was such a lovely day and mobbed of course, but everyone seemed v chilled and happy! Started out by checking out the queue for the Cans Festival, see if anyone else was bothered about it, as R was keen to check out what the Banksy installation thingy was and we thought it would be cool to see asboluv's work up on the walls, seeing as we know him.....!!But, ohmygod, it was mobbed, and the queues were huge, we would have had to wait hours just to get a chance to view it all, and there was no way, no way it was worth it, sorry asbo. So we left and grabbed fab monmouth coffee and walked around the food stalls outside Festival hall and drank some sparkling wine and bought some pomegranate molasses, which I've been trying to get my hands on for ages.
Wandered down the whole of the Southbank and round the river heading to the design museum. It was such a great day, had some nice food and cake and coffee at the Design museum and didn't end up going to the Richard Rogers thing cos late time and cost, but I will go back to it at some point. Got checked out alot by a youngish looking guy (well, he looked about late 20's!), to the point I started to laugh, thought I was imagining it, but he def was not gay, one of the few men around us that weren't, and he def kept turning round and looking at me and smiling. I decided to go the loo to make sure that I hadn't accidentally drooled something on myself or ripped my dress or something, but no, I looked fairly normal. When I got back he was walking away with his mate, and then they wandered back again, and he ruefully walked away!!Oh my! First time that's happened to me in ages! But was fun. Think it might have been slight showing of cleavage, but it wasn't gratuitous!See! Not the best picture of my cleavage ever, but it will do! Well, after chuckling away to myself and eventually explaining to R what was going on, we bought some fab wee things in the design museum shop, some v snazzy postcards and a lovely make it yourself pinhole camera which I am going to experiment with, very excited about that. Needless to say, I didn't lug the NikonD40 into town with me today, which I kind of regret, cos my new phone camera is crap.

Am pleased to be in a better mood today, as last night I was wanting to write down all my rants about the bloody stupid programme that is the apprentice, of which I only saw 5 mins and that was enough to make my blood boil. Why oh why oh why? WHY? Aaaaagh. I can't believe there are still people out there, young people in their early 20's whose main life ambition it is, is to make enough money to buy some bloody stupid fast car! I am amazed by the candidates on that show, and hope I never experience them or meet them. I feel physically sick watching it, guess that's why I don't.
So, no more ranting for now, not to ruin lovely day. Going to watch "Into the Wild" film or maybe episode of Gavin and Stacey, can't decide. Waiting for lovefilm to deliver next series of the wire, and almost pining for it. Mad. Life is too short. Never forget.