Has been a long month. Although it is technically short. I have felt ill most of it. I feel exhausted. Just trying to live is exhausting. The thought of composing an email to my dearest friends, is exhausting. Some of my closest friends are going through a very dark time. It is heartbreaking. Living in London is totally exhausting. I am angry at people, almost all the time. I don't want to be around anyone.
My emotions are all over the place. I've been very up and down recently. Lots of tears when hormones are not an excuse. Mad at myself I think more than anything. The constant sense of being alone is so destroying. I don't have enough friends around me. I don't have a special person. I am not special to anyone. And no, friends and family don't count. I feel untouchable and unlovable and I don't know how to change it. I haven't had a normal relationship in over 15 years. A regular normal everyday, what happens all around me, kind of style relationship. It must be me.
I do feel quite trapped and stuck in so many areas of my life, and most of them are my own fault. My own stupid impulsive choices. I need to grow up. I am not going to accept this situation and let go. I am going to fight. Because it is hard to find reasons to live other wise. Which sounds dramatic, and it's not because I feel like ending it all, because I don't, but because there is often no reason to get up in the morning. Especially at weekends.
So, trying not to be dramatic and overly despondent and think of others less fortunate than myself, I will kick myself, go through this and keep on going. Because things can change. And that I truly believe.
