Grey

It's hard to maintain positivity at the moment. Lots of things are not good. Constantly reminding myself that it all could be worse is not helping. I have recently been so down that I considered starting up the misery blog again, but that would be a step back. It's important to keep moving forward, even if it is very slow.
Loneliness is the big problem. It feels like a slow creeping deep freeze. Kind of like those cold misty days that you don't notice at first but gradually starts to pervade your skin and bones until you are numb.
I have been feeling little more than sadness, the ache of loss and then just, numb, in the last month. The retreat of my new friend and lover into his own problematic world and issues has kicked me a bit. The feeling that I have been alone for far too long in the last ten years, is really bringing me down. I feel starved of love and affection, dramatic as it sounds, on a deep level.
I feel myself shrivelling up inside and unable to motivate myself to enjoy anything. To the point that I find no enjoyment in the things I love, can't even be bothered to watch a film. That is not like me.
So I need to keep positive and look forward to when things will change for the better. Because at least I have learnt that, things will change.

2010 The year of purpose and good choices.

It’s hard to believe this last year has gone by so quickly. Of course we all say that. At the end of last year I was recalling the changes in my life and what a positive year it had been. 2009 was the year of more changes but also of beginning to consolidate a few things. Except that in many ways, it was year of upheaval and movement and adjusting. I could do with a year of less change to be honest.

I have at least only moved flat twice and finding somewhere to live where I am slightly more at peace is still top of my priority. Having given up the dream of buying somewhere in London, I know want to find somewhere to rent that I can look forward to going home to at night. Still need money for a deposit so that is something to work on.

The new job turned out to be more stressful than I thought possible. I have managed to change my attitude to it a bit. I have stopped pouring my heart and soul into it as I realise that my leaders are not exactly doing that either. The job is now a job, not a cause. Sadly though, I need it to be a cause for me to give it my best. I need to believe in it and I need to believe in the leadership, and at the moment, I don’t. However, I have met some lovely people and made good friends and have enjoyed many moments there, it is not all bad.

I have had a year of dating. It has been interesting. It is a whole different ball game to the life I lived before. I have met some quite nice people and some not so nice. I have had adventures and experiences. It has been enriching. I haven’t met the love of my life. But that’s okay. I have recently met someone I like a great deal but I can’t see the future of it yet. I am aware that I am keeping my heart protected as the fear of getting hurt is still strong. I have to look after myself first now. I am optimistic that I will find someone to share what is left of my life with, because after all, no one wants to die alone.

I am almost daily aware of the gradual loss of my fertility. In the last year there were 4 family weddings. Children everywhere. It was a time of celebration but there were moments I found it incredibly difficult. Christmas was the culmination of that with all the family and all the babies around, and the usual emotional outbursts taking place. It is hard to be the oldest one and to be single and childless. Even spending time with my wonderful friends, it is hard to be the one who is least settled, least sorted, in many ways.

Physically, I have not had the best year, feeling very tired and run down. I have started having outbreaks of psoriasis, my period pain is much worse, had more colds and flu’s than ever before and generally felt quite under the weather for much of the year physically. I have not been great at going to the gym and have put on weight, which bothers me. I have had lots of infections and been on several courses of antibiotics. I start the year going for breast screening, as the pain in my left breast is quite bad and it is sore and swollen most of the time. I am sure it is glandular and not anything cancerous but it has to be checked anyway. But I am aware that I am pre-menopausal and am experiencing hormonal changes, and that is quite tough as it all goes back to the fertility issue again.

I guess the aging process is a difficult one, but with it comes understanding of what is important in life. This year I am going to not make resolutions as such, but I am going to aim to move, to get fit and look after myself and to take a holiday. A proper resting holiday. And to learn to tango.

My friends are wonderful, I am grateful to them all, and I hope they have excellent years. I hope we all have a year that draws us closer together and for my part, helps me appreciate what is important in life and what is worth living for.

So bring on 2010. And remember to make good choices.